Thursday, February 10, 2011

Unwilling to See

My friends, my indescribably beautiful friends, have been motivated into blogging. I had spent my afternoon reading them, and I would like to say indirectly how talented they are in their writing. Deeply moving to me and I'm sure to many who will read them, and have really challenged me. Reading one blog by one of my friends did a few things to me:
- Take a step back, be thankful.
- Made me take a deeper look into myself than I found comfortable, but I realized something I had known all along.

Trust is not my strong point.

I had once been a completely trusting person, carefree and loving just like anyone else. So trusting, that I had gotten myself hurt once or twice. But nothing bad enough, so my willingness to see the good in people and love everything about them continued on for some time. The real change in my outlook on people happened not to long ago, and is continuously effecting me today.
So now, the trust I gave people without a second guess, was completely shattered.

For a long time, the only people I felt I could really trust were a couple of intensely close friends. My family. And nothing else.
As I have stated before, my relationship with God is definitely not a perfect one. In fact, I pray daily that my faith in Him becomes stronger than what it is now. But the thing that had really, really broken me was that I had no trust in anyone - not even God. I see now I should have dropped everything and thrown all I had at God, because He is the only thing that can  possibly understand. Who will comfort me in the times where no one else can, and lead me in the right direction.

But no, that wasn't the case. Months of pain and a deep, scarring hatred lived inside of me. I can say that Satan lived in me, and I don't doubt that. He took all my happiness, all of my trust, all of my ability to not be afraid away from  me. It was like an unimaginably heavy, black rock that sat at the bottom of my heart. Always reminding me of the pain. The unspeakable sorrow. And the hatred that grew inside of me. I had lost touch with God this summer, after creating what seemed like a good relationship the year before. I felt hopeless.

But I am happy to say, that the depressing part of this little story occurred before I had found the one thing that probably saved me. The youth group, that changed me for the better and brought me to the greatest and most moving people on Earth, brought me back to God. Showed me the light, His love, and how powerful He is in the darkest of times.

(Matthew 11:28-30) “Come to me, all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart; and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Returning to the love of the Lord helped me. He took that rock that Satan had placed on me and cast it away. There may be troubling times in the future, and I will always struggle with past events, but I know that God will always be there to help me. To carry me when I am weak, to lead me when I am blind, and to love me no matter the circumstance.

God is the only thing you will ever need in your life. He will always protect you. Always love you. He will never abandon you.
Back to my earlier point, and I do apologize if I get off topic, but trust. If you don't take anything else from reading this, just hear one thing: If you don't trust anyone or anything, not even yourself, trust in God. He is the one thing you know you can always count on.

Simply because, He will always love you. No matter what you've done, where you've been, He will love you. A love that cannot be described by words or measured by any of man's instruments, a love that is everlasting and sufficient enough to be the only thing you ever need.

Until next time (:

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